Thursday, May 17, 2012

Let's Reflect..

I am out of sorts and have been for awhile.  Bit of a funk.  Lots going on with home, family, work, etc.  Long story short - I need to change some things.  I want to be happy and I have lots to be happy about.  Lord knows, others have a much larger plate of challenges, so I should just make it all right.  Some times, it can be difficult to do that.

I'm worn down with the needs of others.  I love those I serve.  But I'm sort of over it at the moment.  I'd like to be served, or at the very least, left alone.  Now that won't happen for a long time, I imagine, so I need to figure out how to get what I want out of my life, all the while taking care of others.  This post must make me sound like a mean ol' bat, but I normally don't whine about it, so I'll just do so for now.  Just this time.  Just this post.

I want. 

I keep starting my sentences with, "I want," and I'm sure someone somewhere will tell me it's a sin of some kind-:), and it probably isn't a good way to live anyway.  But I do want.

(It would be nice to be sedated-:))

I want some peace.  I am the biggest worrier on the planet and if I had a gazillion dollars, I'd still worry that I wouldn't be able to afford things.  Guess that comes from growing up poor and sitting at the kitchen table with my mom, counting her tips from waitressing.  Always a measure of anxiety over money.  I want it to go away.

(Snoopy's real, I keep tellin' ya.)

I want time to create.  I feel guilty when I try to create anymore.  Someone or something always needs to be taken care of so in my mind, that is the priority, not my writing or my drawing.
(NOT my closet, but oh how I wish...)

I want order.  My life is totally messy right now.  My house, my car, the list can go on.  As I've heard it said, if one part of your world is out of order, chances are, other parts are a mess too.  That'd be me.

Beautiful - must draw him one day.

I want to be around horses again.  You'd think I would, with the RD and CO Boy always riding.  But I'm usually at work when they do that.  Besides, I'm already spending a minor fortune on the CO Boy's riding.  I don't need to ride all the time.  I just want to be around the animals.

(Never looked like this, but at least I knew where my waist was)

I want to not be fat.  This spare tire disgusts me to no end.  It is the single biggest reminder of how I have let myself down.  And it saddens me that there are some folks in my life who feel satisfaction over seeing it.  (Sidenote:  I was cheering for Maria Menounos on DWTS - bummed she was kicked off.  Also, I miss dancing, but that's another post!)

All of these wants can be fulfilled.  But I am at a point where inertia has just taken over.  Rather overwhelming, but there you have it.

Okay.  I'm finished.  I will figure it out.

Thanks for listening.


Bel said...

You're singing my song! The one I've been singing for years. I think I'll get past it, though, relatively soon...but that would be when I retire. You are smack in the middle of child rearing, putting food on the table, and trying to keep body and soul together. You should NOT feel guilty for needing to take care of your spiritual self by carving out precious time to create. Easier said than done, I know. Just know we are with you and cheering you on.
And, oh, by the way -- you are beautiful.

Margaret said...

Why do we feel so guilty about wanting some time and a life of our own? Other people don't. I guess we are caretakers and that can lead to people taking advantage of us. I would like to lose about 10 pounds. I don't get the spare tire, but the extra weight does bother me and affects how I feel about myself. xoxo I'm glad you vented!

Dolly said...

Yeah, I think this is definitely a woman thing. As my therapist (yup) is always reminding me, stop feeling guilty, you have every right to make demands on your own behalf. (But my therapist isn't Catholic, so she can talk! :D) The adults who make claims on your time are grown-ups, after all; if they're gonna whine when you tell them "not today," well, let 'em whine. Of course, I have yet to master these rules myself.

As for the weight gain, I hate to say it but the only thing that finally worked for me was cutting out the carbs. Not fun, but I did lose 20 of the 30 lbs I'd gained since turning 40. I have them in moderation now, and the weight has stayed off. But as I said: No fun.

No need to apologize for venting on your own blog!

Arlene said...

Ladies, thank you for lending an ear. I know this is something that women/moms face all the time. But for cryin' out loud, it just never seems to be a problem for men, Not one bit fair!

Dolly said...

Eh, I think maybe men deal with these problems in a different way. Nature or nurture, they seem to have fewer emotional options at their disposal (or perhaps they believe they have fewer), so they ruminate less than we do, and, for better or worse, just power through, which we find difficult. (Gross generalizations, but I hope you all get my point.)

I sometimes think men would fall apart way more easily than women if they faced problems the way we do.

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